Imagine, no more carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, no more nasty carbon soot on your clothes. You can now have your very own carbon-offset wood table to rest your coffee cup, prop up your feet, or simply stare at while you imagine you have saved the planet.
This fixed carbon table is made from completely recyclable wood.
As you know, nature uses wood to fix carbon so that nasty carbon dioxide is not released into the atmosphere. Each day, trees use billions of tons of carbon dioxide to make wood, effectively binding the carbon into the wood fibers, permanently locking the carbon within the very fibers of the wood itself. But, as wood decays, as it decomposes, or as it is burned, the carbon in the wood naturally combines with the oxygen in the atmosphere, creating carbon dioxide.
This natural cycle created by nature has been happening for millions of years but has recently been declared by trusted politicians to actually destroy nature.
And now, YOU CAN PREVENT THIS NATURAL CYCLE FROM OCCURRING!!
For a limited time only, you – yes, YOU - can purchase an authentic fixed carbon table for the low low price of $350, plus shipping and handling (and taxes and governmental fees). This table is manufactured by hand from the most natural material known in nature, real wood. But not just any real wood, but real wood NATURALLY infused with actual carbon.
Yes, it's true. This table actually holds carbon preventing it from entering the atmosphere, preventing the creation of carbon dioxide.
Forget silly cap and trade schemes; forget carbon offset scams. This is the only program that GUARANTEES you will be buying GENUINE FIXED CARBON that will not be released into the atmosphere for as long as you own the table.
But that's not all. This fixed carbon table comes with an introductory CERTIFICATE OF AUTHENTIC FIXED CARBON. Yes, for the low low price of an additional $300 you can show your friends, your family, your boss, your spouse, your significant other that you are saving the planet by having in your home an authentic certified FIXED CARBON TABLE.
If this table had not been made, the wood would have been chucked by a woodchuck, or burned by a moonshiner, or simply left to rot in the woods releasing that nasty carbon into the environment.
And if you do not purchase this table IMMEDIATELY, YOU will be guilty of destroying the planet.
So act now. Send $350 for the table PLUS an additional $300 dollars for the fixed carbon Certificate of Authenticity to Danger Lane Workshop, Newalla, OK. You'll be glad and guilt free if you do. (Note: no personal checks, no money orders, no credit cards accepted. Certified bank drafts accepted with an additional $10 handling fee. Cash and gold always accepted.)
CERTIFICATE OF AUTHENTIC FIXED CARBON TABLE offer good to U.S. east coast and west coast residents only. San Francisco and Boston residents add 15% sales tax and an additional 20% gullibility surcharge. New York City residents add 50% for the municipality tax, the county tax, the state tax, the luxury tax, the value-added tax, the transportation tax, water-ways tax, air tax, refuse tax, street-vendor tax, sales tax, and any other tax devised by the state, county, and city of New York.
Table guaranteed M.I.O. (Made in Oklahoma).
From a concept M.U.B.A.G. (Made up by Al Gore). (Gotta give credit where credit is due.)
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