If you think hard enough about seemingly unrelated concepts, you can come up with the most stupendous ideas.
Take for instance the following seemingly unrelated concepts:
1. My lovely niece Andrea once mistook some goats in a field for dogs, and proclaimed that the place must be a "dog farm".
2. Part of the new "multiculturalism" purports to celebrate different cultures through cultural foods. To some folks, if you don't eat foods from other cultures, you ain't got multiculture and are just another American redneck devoid of any culture at all.
3. In certain countries, people eat yesterday's pets. In a small town in Korea, I once saw a dog hanging in a butcher shop. (No, I don't think it was A.K.C. registered, but it looked tasty.)
Now, put all these seemingly unrelated concepts together and what do you have? You have the next great idea coming out of Buddha Belly Farm:
"Danger Lane Dog Farm and Canine Cuisine Restaurant".
In this age of "multiculturalism", it is important to do your part to enhance and celebrate other cultures by sampling their food. When it comes to food, we naturally celebrate different cultures in America. We have Italian restaurants, Mexican restaurants, German restaurants, Vietnamese restaurants, Greek restaurants and many other culturally inspired restaurants too numerous to allow inclusion here.
And now Buddha Belly Farm has the same answer to both the food shortage question and to the growing dog population question: “EAT THE DOGS”.
Buddha Belly Farm is proud to offer various cuts of organic farm raised meats, grown from 100% domesticated canis lupus, served up in various multicultural styles using recipes adroitly plagarized from legitimate restaurants for your dining enjoyment.
The lovely and astute Nana has been busy developing the following multicultural dishes designed to titillate and inspire your palette to be more culturally diverse:
Southern Fried Spaniel
Shar-Pei Cordon Bleu.
Bar-B-Qued Beagle burgers.
Chicken fried Poodle
Terrier Tots.
Schnauzer Wellington.
Pug chops.
Baked Alaskan Huskie.
Pomeranian Pot Roast.
Collie Cutlets.
Chihuahua Tacos.
Boxer Burritos.
Shih tzu Stir Fry.
Yorkshire Terrier pudding.
Chow Chow kabobs.
Mastif and potatoes.
Weiner Dog schnitzel.
Bluetick stew.
Ground Hound meatloaf (see note below).
Bulldog casserole.
Redbone and rice.
Pinscher pot pie.
Spaghetti and Mastif meatballs.
And a special recipe for that favorite hunting dog that is now past his prime, "Peking Duke".
Samples from the children's menu include "Snoopy Doodles" and "Marmaduke Surprise".
(Note: Although we do have a surplus of feline products, we do not mix our shredded cat with the ground hound. That just wouldn't be right.)
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Odds are Against
Last year, I hit a deer on the road to our house (or, more accurately, “the deer hit the car”). Since, then, Pam and I have had about three or four close calls with deer on the road. This morning I had another “close encounter” that was pretty darn close – I had to apply the brakes rather sharply and almost caused the donuts to spill in the car (which would have been a REAL disaster).
I always thought that once you hit a deer the odds go down that you would hit another one anytime soon, like being struck by lightening – once you’re hit the odds should go down that you’re hit again right away.
Apparently, though, once you hit a deer, the odds of hitting a deer increase thereafter. It’s almost like hitting a member of a mob family – they want revenge for the previous hit. So one must constantly be on guard and expect the unexpected.
This got me thinking about some other bookmaking opportunities here on the farmage.
For instance:
The amount of dog poop in the yard is directly proportional to the square of the size of the dog multiplied by the amount of dog food the dog consumes.
The odds of stepping in dog poop in your yard are indirectly proportional to the care taken to avoid dog poop in your yard, and directly proportional to the quality of shoes one is wearing.
And last but certainly not least . . .
The odds of contacting a pile of fresh mushy dog poop with a gasoline powered weed wacker is indirectly proportional to the amount of safety equipment the operator is wearing.
Well, OK, wearing safety glasses and a dust mask when operating a gasoline powered weed eater in a dog kennel won’t necessarily help you beat the odds, but can make the experience a bit less traumatic.
I always thought that once you hit a deer the odds go down that you would hit another one anytime soon, like being struck by lightening – once you’re hit the odds should go down that you’re hit again right away.
Apparently, though, once you hit a deer, the odds of hitting a deer increase thereafter. It’s almost like hitting a member of a mob family – they want revenge for the previous hit. So one must constantly be on guard and expect the unexpected.
This got me thinking about some other bookmaking opportunities here on the farmage.
For instance:
The amount of dog poop in the yard is directly proportional to the square of the size of the dog multiplied by the amount of dog food the dog consumes.
The odds of stepping in dog poop in your yard are indirectly proportional to the care taken to avoid dog poop in your yard, and directly proportional to the quality of shoes one is wearing.
And last but certainly not least . . .
The odds of contacting a pile of fresh mushy dog poop with a gasoline powered weed wacker is indirectly proportional to the amount of safety equipment the operator is wearing.
Well, OK, wearing safety glasses and a dust mask when operating a gasoline powered weed eater in a dog kennel won’t necessarily help you beat the odds, but can make the experience a bit less traumatic.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Danger Lane Workshop Special Offer
ATTENTION!! You may qualify for an exciting new program direct from Danger Lane Workshop. For a limited time only, and for the price of a small cottage, you can help save the environment by purchasing this exclusive FIXED CARBON TABLE.
Imagine, no more carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, no more nasty carbon soot on your clothes. You can now have your very own carbon-offset wood table to rest your coffee cup, prop up your feet, or simply stare at while you imagine you have saved the planet.
This fixed carbon table is made from completely recyclable wood.
As you know, nature uses wood to fix carbon so that nasty carbon dioxide is not released into the atmosphere. Each day, trees use billions of tons of carbon dioxide to make wood, effectively binding the carbon into the wood fibers, permanently locking the carbon within the very fibers of the wood itself. But, as wood decays, as it decomposes, or as it is burned, the carbon in the wood naturally combines with the oxygen in the atmosphere, creating carbon dioxide.
This natural cycle created by nature has been happening for millions of years but has recently been declared by trusted politicians to actually destroy nature.
And now, YOU CAN PREVENT THIS NATURAL CYCLE FROM OCCURRING!!
For a limited time only, you – yes, YOU - can purchase an authentic fixed carbon table for the low low price of $350, plus shipping and handling (and taxes and governmental fees). This table is manufactured by hand from the most natural material known in nature, real wood. But not just any real wood, but real wood NATURALLY infused with actual carbon.
Yes, it's true. This table actually holds carbon preventing it from entering the atmosphere, preventing the creation of carbon dioxide.
Forget silly cap and trade schemes; forget carbon offset scams. This is the only program that GUARANTEES you will be buying GENUINE FIXED CARBON that will not be released into the atmosphere for as long as you own the table.
But that's not all. This fixed carbon table comes with an introductory CERTIFICATE OF AUTHENTIC FIXED CARBON. Yes, for the low low price of an additional $300 you can show your friends, your family, your boss, your spouse, your significant other that you are saving the planet by having in your home an authentic certified FIXED CARBON TABLE.
If this table had not been made, the wood would have been chucked by a woodchuck, or burned by a moonshiner, or simply left to rot in the woods releasing that nasty carbon into the environment.
And if you do not purchase this table IMMEDIATELY, YOU will be guilty of destroying the planet.
So act now. Send $350 for the table PLUS an additional $300 dollars for the fixed carbon Certificate of Authenticity to Danger Lane Workshop, Newalla, OK. You'll be glad and guilt free if you do. (Note: no personal checks, no money orders, no credit cards accepted. Certified bank drafts accepted with an additional $10 handling fee. Cash and gold always accepted.)
CERTIFICATE OF AUTHENTIC FIXED CARBON TABLE offer good to U.S. east coast and west coast residents only. San Francisco and Boston residents add 15% sales tax and an additional 20% gullibility surcharge. New York City residents add 50% for the municipality tax, the county tax, the state tax, the luxury tax, the value-added tax, the transportation tax, water-ways tax, air tax, refuse tax, street-vendor tax, sales tax, and any other tax devised by the state, county, and city of New York.
Table guaranteed M.I.O. (Made in Oklahoma).
From a concept M.U.B.A.G. (Made up by Al Gore). (Gotta give credit where credit is due.)
Imagine, no more carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, no more nasty carbon soot on your clothes. You can now have your very own carbon-offset wood table to rest your coffee cup, prop up your feet, or simply stare at while you imagine you have saved the planet.
This fixed carbon table is made from completely recyclable wood.
As you know, nature uses wood to fix carbon so that nasty carbon dioxide is not released into the atmosphere. Each day, trees use billions of tons of carbon dioxide to make wood, effectively binding the carbon into the wood fibers, permanently locking the carbon within the very fibers of the wood itself. But, as wood decays, as it decomposes, or as it is burned, the carbon in the wood naturally combines with the oxygen in the atmosphere, creating carbon dioxide.
This natural cycle created by nature has been happening for millions of years but has recently been declared by trusted politicians to actually destroy nature.
And now, YOU CAN PREVENT THIS NATURAL CYCLE FROM OCCURRING!!
For a limited time only, you – yes, YOU - can purchase an authentic fixed carbon table for the low low price of $350, plus shipping and handling (and taxes and governmental fees). This table is manufactured by hand from the most natural material known in nature, real wood. But not just any real wood, but real wood NATURALLY infused with actual carbon.
Yes, it's true. This table actually holds carbon preventing it from entering the atmosphere, preventing the creation of carbon dioxide.
Forget silly cap and trade schemes; forget carbon offset scams. This is the only program that GUARANTEES you will be buying GENUINE FIXED CARBON that will not be released into the atmosphere for as long as you own the table.
But that's not all. This fixed carbon table comes with an introductory CERTIFICATE OF AUTHENTIC FIXED CARBON. Yes, for the low low price of an additional $300 you can show your friends, your family, your boss, your spouse, your significant other that you are saving the planet by having in your home an authentic certified FIXED CARBON TABLE.
If this table had not been made, the wood would have been chucked by a woodchuck, or burned by a moonshiner, or simply left to rot in the woods releasing that nasty carbon into the environment.
And if you do not purchase this table IMMEDIATELY, YOU will be guilty of destroying the planet.
So act now. Send $350 for the table PLUS an additional $300 dollars for the fixed carbon Certificate of Authenticity to Danger Lane Workshop, Newalla, OK. You'll be glad and guilt free if you do. (Note: no personal checks, no money orders, no credit cards accepted. Certified bank drafts accepted with an additional $10 handling fee. Cash and gold always accepted.)
CERTIFICATE OF AUTHENTIC FIXED CARBON TABLE offer good to U.S. east coast and west coast residents only. San Francisco and Boston residents add 15% sales tax and an additional 20% gullibility surcharge. New York City residents add 50% for the municipality tax, the county tax, the state tax, the luxury tax, the value-added tax, the transportation tax, water-ways tax, air tax, refuse tax, street-vendor tax, sales tax, and any other tax devised by the state, county, and city of New York.
Table guaranteed M.I.O. (Made in Oklahoma).
From a concept M.U.B.A.G. (Made up by Al Gore). (Gotta give credit where credit is due.)
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Maneuvers and mannerisms
Recently, we visited Jackson Danger (and by extension my daughter and her husband) in Lenexa, Kansas, just outside Kansas City. Pam’s parents from SE Missouri also visited the Kansas City area at the same time. I thought it was nice of them to drive all the way across the state to visit for a day. They are pretty good people, in spite of the fact they drive a hybrid car.
Pam’s mom, Ruth Ann, told a story about how Pam’s dad, Phillip, recently saved a person’s life. Now, while she was telling this story I was a bit distracted – Jackson needed my advice about something and I was engaged with him – so I may not have the story exactly right and may have gotten some of the facts wrong, but here is the jest of what I gathered:
Apparently, Phillip and Ruth Ann were visiting with some friends and one of them started choking on some food. Ruth Ann related how Phillip was able to clear the friend’s breathing passage and in the process said something about hugging men and Phillip’s friend complaining about a resulting sore throat.
Half hearing the story, I got a bit confused, and at this point I began to pay a bit more attention to what she was saying because this just didn’t sound quite right. And when she mentioned something called the “hind lick maneuver”, my radar became fully active. And when my son-in-law agreed with Phillip that “you must be gentle when doing this maneuver,” I doubled my efforts to understand what was being said.
Now, people in SE Missouri are pretty conservative, and pretty much keep private aspects of their lives to themselves, especially when it comes to “personal” activities, so I was naturally surprised that Ruth Ann would openly tell us about this kind of thing. And Ruth Ann was so nonchalant about it, making me think that this was something they engaged in regularly. It almost made me blush – almost. After all, I am an adult, I’ve traveled around the world some, I’m a “been there, done that” kind of guy, but there was just something wrong with hearing my in-laws talk about this kind of stuff, especially in front of little Jackson Danger.
I was just about to protest when I realized that we did live in a progressive world and thought better about correcting my in-laws (they drive a hybrid car, after all). They too are adults and are entitled to their personal lifestyles. Who am I to judge? So, I decided to participate in the conversation and started describing similar things that occurred around the Naval Bases in the Philippines, and went into some details about some of those activities.
Well, everyone in the room suddenly became quiet and just stared at me. Phillip excused himself to get another cup of coffee, and Ruth Ann excused herself to “powder her nose”. Pam gave me a somewhat disgusted dirty look, while Robbie just sat there and kind of snickered behind his hand. I knew something was wrong, but didn’t realize just how TERRIBLY wrong until Catie, my daughter, glared at me with distasteful incredulity. Now, Catie often glares at me with distasteful incredulity, but this was such a much more intense look of distasteful incredulity that it frightened me into silence right in the middle of my description of the “Filipino Jungle Boy maneuver”.
Seeing that the conversation had kind of dried up for that moment, and not being quite sure what had happened, I thought it best to sit quietly for the remainder of the day.
Honestly, sometimes I wonder why my family doesn’t like it when I join in their adult conversations.
Pam’s mom, Ruth Ann, told a story about how Pam’s dad, Phillip, recently saved a person’s life. Now, while she was telling this story I was a bit distracted – Jackson needed my advice about something and I was engaged with him – so I may not have the story exactly right and may have gotten some of the facts wrong, but here is the jest of what I gathered:
Apparently, Phillip and Ruth Ann were visiting with some friends and one of them started choking on some food. Ruth Ann related how Phillip was able to clear the friend’s breathing passage and in the process said something about hugging men and Phillip’s friend complaining about a resulting sore throat.
Half hearing the story, I got a bit confused, and at this point I began to pay a bit more attention to what she was saying because this just didn’t sound quite right. And when she mentioned something called the “hind lick maneuver”, my radar became fully active. And when my son-in-law agreed with Phillip that “you must be gentle when doing this maneuver,” I doubled my efforts to understand what was being said.
Now, people in SE Missouri are pretty conservative, and pretty much keep private aspects of their lives to themselves, especially when it comes to “personal” activities, so I was naturally surprised that Ruth Ann would openly tell us about this kind of thing. And Ruth Ann was so nonchalant about it, making me think that this was something they engaged in regularly. It almost made me blush – almost. After all, I am an adult, I’ve traveled around the world some, I’m a “been there, done that” kind of guy, but there was just something wrong with hearing my in-laws talk about this kind of stuff, especially in front of little Jackson Danger.
I was just about to protest when I realized that we did live in a progressive world and thought better about correcting my in-laws (they drive a hybrid car, after all). They too are adults and are entitled to their personal lifestyles. Who am I to judge? So, I decided to participate in the conversation and started describing similar things that occurred around the Naval Bases in the Philippines, and went into some details about some of those activities.
Well, everyone in the room suddenly became quiet and just stared at me. Phillip excused himself to get another cup of coffee, and Ruth Ann excused herself to “powder her nose”. Pam gave me a somewhat disgusted dirty look, while Robbie just sat there and kind of snickered behind his hand. I knew something was wrong, but didn’t realize just how TERRIBLY wrong until Catie, my daughter, glared at me with distasteful incredulity. Now, Catie often glares at me with distasteful incredulity, but this was such a much more intense look of distasteful incredulity that it frightened me into silence right in the middle of my description of the “Filipino Jungle Boy maneuver”.
Seeing that the conversation had kind of dried up for that moment, and not being quite sure what had happened, I thought it best to sit quietly for the remainder of the day.
Honestly, sometimes I wonder why my family doesn’t like it when I join in their adult conversations.
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