DIY Project Plans

Each Sunday morning, Nana Pam and I like to watch a bit of TV while drinking our morning coffee and eating our donuts. Some of our favorite shows are about do-it-yourself projects gone awry and construction projects that weren’t done properly. During these shows, Nana Pam and I discuss our own DIY projects and ideas, snickering occasionally at some of the problems created by the inexperienced DIYers and telling them (through the TV) what they should have done.

For instance, while watching DIY Disasters show, or whatever it’s called, we saw a guy who decided that a piece of kitchen wood trim “wasn’t quite right”. His solution was to completely gut his kitchen – which he did, but then didn’t know how to put it back together again. The wife told the television audience that the kitchen had been torn apart for about 7 months and that they were staying with the in-laws while the husband contemplated the mess he had made of his kitchen.

I was just finishing up my fourth cup of coffee and when I saw this and shouted at the TV, “What has he been doing to take so long on this job?!?”

And Nana Pam, slowly sipping her first cup of coffee, replied: “He probably sits on his dead butt watching DIY shows instead of working.”

During my fifth cup of coffee, I thought about Nana Pam’s comment, and realized (somewhat belatedly) that she was making some off-handed commentary about our own renovation project. Yes, we may have experienced a bit of a “slow-down” recently, as evidenced by the unfinished dining room trim work and the unfinished entry way – OK, and the unfinished kitchen as well. Or maybe she was remembering our last renovation job at our last house, specifically the entry way that was “delayed” for about 8 months, or maybe the bathroom job that took only a year and a month. (Hey, I was busy).

But, here at the Buddha Belly Farm house we have finished the living room and are pretty happy with it, in spite of the fact that we still have some unfinished work to do. It’s not my fault that Nana Pam keeps coming up with projects that keep side-tracking us, like her latest brainstorm to rebuild our staircase.

For those of you who haven’t climbed our staircase you may ask, “Why rebuild a functional staircase?”

Answer: When we first looked at the place, we failed to notice the very thing that everyone else first notices about the stairs, namely, each step is a different size. Not only that, but each step consists of a rough-cut piece of 2-by-12 covered with cheap carpeting. Not only THAT, but the first step is so steep that it’s always reminding me of my hike in the Albuquerque Sandia Mountains, as described in a previous entry.

Now, I’ve never built a staircase before, but I’m willing to try anything. Of course, as “Dirty Harry” Callahan once said, “A man’s got to know his limitations.”

I’m not yet sure if building a staircase is beyond my limitations. I do realize that such an undertaking would take careful planning and a proper logistical process. One cannot merely jump into the demolition phase without first having some idea how to get Nana Pam safely to the second floor if she wants to take a nap after her morning chores. And for that reason, this would be one renovation project that leaves no room for the occasional “slow-down”. I mean, once the demolition phase is complete and we have a great big empty spot that was once our only access to the shower and the toilet and the bed and the computer, we can’t just take our usual two- to three-day break before we get on with the rebuild phase.

So, I’ve come up with a plan:

Before any demolition of the staircase can begin, the parts for the replacement staircase must be precisely cut and shaped and ready to install. And these parts must be carried from Danger Lane Workshop to be “dry fitted” next to the existing staircase to ensure they are the correct size. And before THAT can happen, a complete dimensional draft must be drawn. And before THAT can happen, precise measurements must be made to obtain the proper dimensions. And before THAT can happen, the complete construction project must be visualized and carefully thought out (this phase involves me standing in front of the existing staircase for hours, or maybe days, with a contemplative look on my face visualizing every aspect of the installation).

This plan is sufficiently comprehensive and should validate my basic DIY renovation philosophy: “The more time spent preparing for a project, the better the odds of Nana Pam forgetting about the whole thing.”

It’s a bit Hot . . .

The entire town is all-a-twitter about the news. The local news media features this story each and every hour. You can’t go anywhere without being asked if you heard the news. During routine speed-trap traffic stops, McLoud Police officers break with proper decorum to share this bit of news with law-abiding travelers caught unawares.

Yes, everyone is talking about the upcoming change in the weather anticipated this weekend. A “cold” front is moving in and is expected to give us cooler weather starting around Sunday and continuing into the next week.

Yessiree, we are finally going to get a break from these hot temperatures and FINALLY the temps will be . . . only . . .

IN THE MID NINETIES.

It will be kinda like spring all over again. We’ve had triple-digit temperatures for about three weeks now (which is normal for this part of the country at this time of year).

Nana Pam and I still remember that one summer from ‘hale’ a few years ago when we experienced triple-digit temperatures for about 60 or 70 days straight. The local bookies were losing their shirts (sweat-soaked though they were) taking odds on when the hot weather would break.

But, here at Buddha Belly Farm the heat is not as nearly as hot as the rest of the state (see photo – it’s cooler in the shade).



And though it’s hot, the chickens have been laying well and the garden gave us a surplus of produce before going on strike and proclaiming it too hot to . . . well, “produce” any more. All except the okra, that is. That stuff seems to love the hot weather. I’ve had to pick it twice a day to keep up. The last time I brought a basket of okra into the house, Nana Pam told me to cut down all the plants, that she didn’t want to see another okra stalk, and that her favorite son-in-law (I quote) “damned well better like okra as much as he says he does, or there’ll be hell to pay.”

(Note from Nana Pam: That is NOT a quote - I did NOT say that. All I said was that I’m sick and tired of seeing okra – I don’t even like okra that much - I didn’t want this much okra – we have okra coming out of our ears right now – the freezer’s full of okra – every time Grumpa comes in from the garden he’s carrying a basket of okra with a sadistic grin on his face and I’M SICK OF IT . . . So, Robbie dear, come get your okra – that’s a good boy.)

Anyway, it’s hot and miserable and hot and dry and hot, and we haven’t had any rain for months. (For consistent use of complaint metaphors, see blog entry, dated March 8, 2010)

But, we will get relief THIS WEEKEND WHEN THE HIGH TEMPERATURES WILL ONLY BE IN THE NINETIES !!! YAAAAAAH !!!