Letters to the Commish

In an effort to encourage the National Football League to stop the practice of naming sports teams that deliberately offend various groups of people, the following letters have been sent to the NFL commissioner. These letters have been copied here to help bring awareness to this offensive practice.


Dear Commish:

I am offended by the name of the sports team you call the "Buccaneers". This name is associated with pirate activity. As plainly seen during football games televised in Tampa Bay, the fans dress up as frightening pirates and the stands are filled with frightening pirate paraphenalia. I once knew a person who had a sister who knew a friend of a cousin who was associated with a co-worker who had once seen a boat load of what was thought to be Somali pirates while on a cruise in the Gulf of Panama and it frightened her to the extent that she could no longer hear of the Disney theme park ride "Pirates of the Caribbean" without being compelled to drink a gigger of rum mixed with tonic water.

Please consider forcing a change of the name of the "Buccaneers" to something else. The name of a flower would be acceptable, something like the "Tampa Bay Lupens".

Sincerely,

Mrs. Evelyn Smith-Smythe-Smith
concerned citizen



Dear Commish:

I am a professional linguistic instructor and I simply get offended by the names of certain football teams, such as the Denver "Broncos" and the Indianapolis "Colts". When these two teams meet each other for a contest, I simply cannot focus on the game because of the utter redundancy implied by the mascots involved. "Colts" versus "Broncos" - does that really happen in real life? Do two classes of equines actually compete with one another simply because of age difference? How absurd!

Please consider forcing a name change for both of these two teams. I'm certain that horse-lovers everywhere would be grateful. I'm certain that there is a horseman somewhere in Utah who is a descendant of the ancient Roman Equestrian Order and is offended by the blatant misuse of the terms "Colts" and "Broncos".

Sincerely,

Romulus Conistsky
President, Utah Order of Equestrian Awareness



Dear Commish:

I am offended by the name of the sports team you call the "Cleveland Browns". I am a Mexican national living in this country without proper documentation working as an activist to force change of U.S. laws at the behest of my own government. Not too long ago, during a protest march, I snacked on what I later found out to be some rancid re-fried beans and had a terrible accident that left a large brown stain on my otherwise white boxer shorts. Ever since that day I cannot hear about another sports team "losing to the Browns" without weeping silently for the embarrassment of losing bowel control in the middle of Cleveland Avenue in downtown Atlanta.

Please consider forcing a change of the name of the "Browns" to something else. The name of a popular food would be nice, like the "Cleveland Burritos" or the "Cuyahoga Chayotes".

Sincerely,

Ann Chilada
Mexican citizen



Dear Commish:

I am offended by the name of the sports team you call the "New England Patriots". I work for the Internal Revenue Service in a branch office that is pursuing and harassing certain organizations that use the word "Patriot" in their brochures. I consider the word "Patriot" to be an offensive term used to encourage the common people to distrust the IRS in general. This attitude makes my job more difficult than need be. Besides, there is no such place as "New England" - the area is neither new, nor is it actually England.

Please force the "New England Patriots" to change the name to something else. Why not the "Massachusetts Revenuers"? Are maybe something more intimidating to other football teams, like the "Auditors".

Sincerely,

Les Integrity, IRS Agent



Dear Commish:

I am offended by the name of the sports team you call the Baltimore "Ravens". I happened to read the Edgar Allen Poe piece "the Raven" while attending a whiskey tasting convention in Kentucky featuring a mascot for "Old Crow". Quite frankly, the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore scared the hell out of me. I said right there and then that nevermore will I allow myself to look upon anything resembling an ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling while perched on the pallid bust of Pallas just above anything that remotely resembles my chamber door - and this includes a high-definition broadcast of a Baltimore Ravens football game.

Please, PLEASE consider forcing a change of the name of the Baltimore "Ravens" to something less frightening and offensive, such as the Baltimore "Plutonians".

Sincerely,

Aidenn Lenore



Dear Commish:

I have a great fear of large predatory animals. Sometimes I have nightmares of being eaten alive by a large cat, especially after watching a football game involving the Carolina Panthers, the Detroit Lions, the Jacksonville Jaguars, or the Cincinnati Bengals. A particularly bad episode occurred during the third quarter of a recent Chicago versus Houston game: I had to seek therapy after I shot my wide-screen television while having a waking-dream of a giant bear about to consume a Texan at the Alamo struggling for extra yardage against the forces of Anna Farris.

Please consider forcing a change of the name of all the teams named after large pretadory animals. Use names that are much more soothing, non-threatening, and encouraging, such as the Carolina "Peaches", the Detroit "Dandelions", the Jacksonville "Jokers", the Cincinnati "Benefactors", and the Chicago "Community Organizers".

Sincerely,

Sigmund Freud



Here are excerpts of other "Dear Commish" letters:

"As an anthropologist, I object to the anthropomorphization of various football team mascots, such as bills, saints, raiders, 49ers, vikings, packers, redskins, and cowboys."

"As a student of mythology, I object to mythologizing various football team mascots, such as giants, titans, and seahawks."

"As an ornithologist, I object to using birds as various team mascots, such as eagles, falcons, and cardinals."

"As a realist, I object to using metaphor as a team mascot, such as jets, steelers, chargers, dolphins -- especially "dolphins"; dolphins playing football? Really?"

"As a person embracing mediocrity, I object to anything that indicates excellence and superiority, such as Chief Executive Officer, Chief Master Sergeant, Chief Petty Officer, Chief of the Boat, Chief Constable, and especially for some unknown reason the KANSAS CITY CHIEFS."


Remember, the world will not be a better place until nobody is offended by nothing. Only your offensive action can encourage the unoffended to be offended by the inoffensible. Support your local chapter of "People Offended On Purpose" (P.O.O.P.). Apply to start your own chapter and become head of the movement in your local area -- Get offended, and become a P.O.O.P. Head today.