Passing the Torch

I have been having trouble with the weed wacking portion of my grass cutting routine. Every time I use the gas weed trimmer to cut back the grass and weeds near the fence lines, I end up having to replace the line every few feet because the fence tears up the line way too much. I thought about using weed killer along the fences, but even though I am anti-environmentalist (I am a conservationist), I could not bring my self to spray herbicide along a quarter mile of fence every six months.

Then one evening, Pam and I were watching our new favorite show on the Rural Channel, "The Country Farm Life", and I saw a farm woman using a torch to burn weeds along a fence line. Immediately I knew that this was what we needed. And Pam agreed. So, during our next trip to the local farm and feed and hardware store (we go about once a week for "date night") I bought the biggest propane torch in stock.

As Paris Hilton would say, "It's hot." Now, in place of the weed wacker and changing line every few feet, I can easily burn the weeds along the bottom of the fences with a simple swipe of a portable propane torch. The only thing I have to watch for is creating a wildfire that would engulf the neighborhood, but besides that small inconvenience what can go wrong?

When I first got the thing, I noticed that the instructions were not complete and had to do some research on the internet on just how to hook it up. (Note: When anyone says the instructions "were not complete", they really mean that their ignorance prevents them from understanding the instructions. I freely admit that was my case here - I just didn't know what I didn't know.)

Through internet research, I decreased my level of ignorance about propane blow torches. I found out that there are two types of propane tank connectors, the POL (named after the company that invented the connector, now no longer accepted as completely safe), and the Type I ACME fitting used on most if not all current propane bar-b-que grills. The torch I bought did not come with either the Type I fitting or the POL fitting, but had other fittings that I did not have a clue how to hook up. I thought I needed a high-flow Type I ACME fitting to hook the thing up to my current propane tanks. So, I researched the internet, which is chock full of information - except the information needed to hook up this particular torch.

From what I found, it seems that everyone knows by instinct how this thing gets connected using just the materials packaged with the torch. I must have some sort of genetic flaw, because I sure couldn't figure it out. So, I began contacting some local propane stores, explaining just precisely what I needed. And they all seemed to know just how to hook up anything to any propane tank, but they all seemed confused by my explanation and request.

Finally, Pam took me to a local propane dealer (she took me because she happened to be driving at the time, not because of any lack of male superiority I may or may not have . . . so there). At the time of our visit, the dealership was staffed by two female clerical type persons, not technicians who could answer my extremely technical question. And in fact, neither person appeared to have a clue as to what I was talking about. After I patronizingly dismissed them, Pam asked them about a totally unrelated topic of the possible cost and equipment needed to install a propane tank for our house if we wanted to convert our hated electric stove to a much more appreciated propane stove. While Pam and the clerical type person were engaged in this conversation, I meandered around the store and happened to see the exact same torch I purchased a few days ago, and thought to myself that if they sell the thing here they may actually know how to hook it up and were merely playing games with me earlier. I patiently waited for Pam and the clerk to finish their conversation (you family members know what I mean by "patiently" under these circumstances). Holding up the packaged torch, I informed the clerical type person that this was the very product I was attempting to connect to my current propane tank. She informed me in turn that that particular item had been hanging in the exact same place for over three years and that she didn't know a thing about them, except that "this thingy here" (she pointed at a connector within the package) looks like it should fit on "this tank here" (she again pointed at a display tank that looked exactly like the one I have at home). Trying to be as condescending (I mean, "patient") as possible, I pointed out that the outer threads of the tank's connector required a Type I fitting, which was not included in the torch packaging, and which I was attempting to obtain. She shook her head slightly and (again) pointed at the tank, and explained (again) that the fitting included with the torch should fit these threads "right here" (she pointed emphatically). Upon closer inspection, I realized that there were in fact internal threads as well as outer threads on the fitting normally installed on the propane tank, and that I had the proper fitting all the time.

Now, I'll be the first to admit (to myself) that I never before noticed that a conventional propane tank has both external threads to fit a Type I ACME fitting as well as internal left-hand threads to accommodate a POL-type fitting. So, I pretended to ignore the apparent smug look on the face of the female clerical type person, politely expressed my thanks and gallantly escorted my bride from the premises.

On the way home, Pam verbally reviewed what the female clerical type person said about cost and equipment needed to convert to a propane gas stove, and I pretended to listen - I was thinking about how easy it would be to connect my torch to my propane tank and couldn't wait to fire that puppy up.

As soon as I got home, I bee-lined it to the workshop to connect the torch to the propane tank and immediately dragged the tank and the torch to the garden area to try it out on the fence line weeds.

Now, if you've never used on of these things before, be advised that this torch is designed to flow 500,000 btus and can produce temperatures in excess of 2000 degrees Fahrenheit. It is a tool and not a toy, but it happens to be one of those tools that would provide certain people with a great deal of fun, especially those with a bent toward arson. So, keeping in mind the inherent hazards associated with any tool, here are some important safety tips gleaned from practical experiences with said torch:

- Do not use this torch if you are a certified pyromaniac. An uncertified pyromaniac can use this torch if supervised by a paranoid pyrophobic. Normal mentally stable people should at least know the location of the nearest fire extinguisher.

- Do not look down the business end of the torch when lighting the thing. Think of looking down the muzzle of a loaded gun with your finger on the trigger. Same thing.

- Do not use a match to ignite the torch. Think of what it would be like to hold a match while using the match to light a small amount of gasoline that is in the bottom of a barrel. Same thing.

- Do not use a butane lighter to ignite the torch. Think of a cherry bomb going off in your hand. Same thing.

- Do not fully open the flow valve before lighting. Open it ever so slightly before striking a flint. Lighting the torch with the flow valve fully open will produce a loud explosive roar similar to the noise of a jet engine in afterburner. If unduly startled by this sudden noise, you may scream and drop the torch. Dropping the lit torch could cause a wildfire; screaming like a girl would make your wife snicker.

- Do not try to dry your boots with the lit torch.

- Do not use the lit torch to evaporate moisture from the top of your propane tank.

- Do not use the lit torch near a clothes line when clothes are hanging out to dry, or your wife will surely hang you out to dry.

- Do not tease the dog with the lit torch.

- Even if you hate cats, do not attempt to set the cats on fire with the lit torch. You will succeed, with unintended consequences.

- Use the lit torch to exterminate weeds along a fence line or an open garden area. Do not attempt to kill weeds along the foundation of a house, gazebo, barn, workshop, well-house or shed as there is abundant evidence that these structures are flammable.

- Do not use the torch along the edge of a vinyl fence, plastic pipe, rubber hose, or anything you do not want to repair or replace afterwards. This includes air conditioning units (soldered joints melt at about 400 degrees F, and what did I say about the temperature output of this thing?).

- After using the torch to kill weeds on your driveway, allow the flames to subside a bit before re-parking your automobile on the driveway.

- The torch, being extremely hot, has the potential to make other things extremely hot. Do not heat a rock with the torch and then expect it to be immediately cool enough to grasp barehanded to lob at the cats.

- Use caution when using torch near metal tools, such as shovels.

- If curiosity exceeds caution and you desire to see if the torch will make a shovel red hot, be assured that it will. The red glow indicates heat transfer from the torch to the shovel, making the shovel too hot to grasp until normal heat dissipation has occurred quite a few minutes later.

- Do not heat a shovel as a practical joke knowing your wife will be using said shovel prior to equalization with the ambient temperature. Unintended consequences will occur.

- Do not attempt to shoo away flying insects from around your head or your wife’s head with the lit torch.

- Do not use the lit torch when operating a lawn tractor, automobile, or other conveyance while texting and drinking soda and fiddling with the radio knob. No matter how well you "multi-task", you will experience unintended consequences.

- Do not use the lit torch while sober indoors, or while inebriated indoors or out. (See rule number 1).

- Do not attempt to pee in the compost while holding the lit torch. (You have been warned).

Well, after learning most of these rules through the compulsory courses of trail and error provided by the school of hard knocks, and after four unannounced visits from the fine men and women of Oklahoma City Fire Station No. 36 (God bless 'em), I can honestly say that this little tool will help alleviate one of the more arduous chores I have been plagued with since moving in.

So, in closing, let it be said that fire can be a very effective tool in the hands of the competent user. Fire has enabled mankind to become civilized and to create culinary delicacies such as roast pig and bar-b-que. Fire has provided light in the hours of darkness, heat in the midst of snow covered environs, inspiration for poets, and ambiance for lovers. Fire has provided the energy for all the manufacturing processes mankind has ever produced. Without fire, modern transportation would be at a standstill, modern houses would not be homes, and modern woodworkers would have no way of getting rid of all the scrap material left over after turning expensive wood into sawdust. And now, thanks to this fabulous torch, fire takes the tedium out of weed control, injecting a bit of zest and thrill to an otherwise boring task.

How great is that?