Don't know the difference between Mr. Bean and a legume in the ground

Pam and I wanted to start a bean garden, so we did what any self-respecting couple would do in this day and age, we researched the internet to find out all about beans. For those of you who haven't tried it yet, the internet is chock full of good information. You should try it sometime.

Anyway, we did a little research on the internet looking for information about legumes and ended up finding a web site for some company in Maine called ‘LiL’ Bean (or something like that, I forget). The web site had a lot of nice expensive gardening clothes, but we couldn't find any information about legumes. So Pam called their 1-800 number and the guy on the other end of the phone listened politely for a few minutes while she explained what we were looking for. He then asked for our address - he said he would send us a catalog. I guessed even though the internet is chock full of information it must not be all that chock full if they have to send us a catalog. But, I figured it would come in handy when we were planning our garden, so we gave him our mailing address.

When we got the catalog, I knew right away there was some mistake and said to Pam, “This ain’t got beans.”

I explained there was nothing in the catalog about gardening - it didn't even have a garden tools section, and nothing about legumes or any seed plants whatsoever. So, Pam did what every woman would do when faced with this situation: she grabbed the catalog and immediately filled out an order for two pairs of pants, a jacket, three shirts, two pairs of gloves, and a woolen scarf.

Meanwhile, I turned back to the internet for more research.

I did find out the peanut is a legume. You would think that some botanist somewhere would suggest changing the name. It sure would be awfully confusing for people who don't know how to use the internet to see the word "peanut" and then not know the plant is a legume. I guess the prefix "pea" might give it away, but the suffix "nut" puts you right back in Confusion Class wearing a silly pointed hat.

We grew some peanuts in our garden last year, just as an experiment, just to see if they'd grow - and by gum they did. We should have let them stay in the ground a bit longer, but they tasted pretty much like peanuts, except they weren't salty. I guess to grow salted peanuts you have to add salt to the ground when you plant the things. But, the peanut web site said that some peanuts apparently are “with sea salt”. There's no way we could grow peanuts “with sea salt” - we're in the middle of Oklahoma, for pete's sake, not any where near the sea.

We tried to grow some peas this year. Pam set up some wire in a frame that looked like a short mountain. I asked her what that was for, and she replied - and I'm quoting- "for the pea thingys to climb up" - that's what she said. I still don't understand that concept - made me think of little pea plants wearing little rock climbing shoes and using rope and carabiners and yodeling when they get to the top of the little fake mountain frame. We did get some peas, but it looked to me that the ragweed beat the little guys to the top of the mountain and threw most of them over a cliff.

Pam did the same thing with the cucumbers this year, except the wire frame looked more like a sheer rock face, and the cucumbers seemed to be much more out of shape than the peas. If the peas were slim trim Swiss mountain folk, then the cucumbers were rotund middle-aged American has-been rock climbers more interested in drinking beer while looking up the rock face and saying, "Yep, looks steep."

But, I digress – cucumbers are not legumes, they’re in the gourd family (I think the ones we grew were disowned by their family – but I still digress).

Pam wanted to grow some green beans, but that didn’t work out too well this year. Last year, she put in some bush beans, and we got quite a few, enough to last through the winter. This year, though, she decided to experiment and put in a different variety. She seemed to be on this trellis kick for some reason and put up another wire frame for these beans to climb up. Apparently, they came ill-equipped for climbing and got discouraged and just decided to hike around a bit before littering up the garden. So, to summarize the results of Pam’s experiment, “bush beans are easy to plant, they grow well, they’re easy to pick, and they’re tasty, so remember what succeeds and darn well don’t let that happen again.” If Pam had been Edison, she would have chucked the first successful light bulb into the trash bin to start work on an improved lantern wick.

But, I again digress – where was I?

Legumes, that’s where I was. And we didn’t get any this year, that’s where I was going.

But at least we learned all about legumes. Legumes have been a staple of the human diet since pre-history. They’re hardy, easy to grow and very versatile and nutritious.

If you can’t grow legumes, you can’t grow beans.