2 cheese R not 2 cheese

I'm on the internet doing research about cheese at http://www.cheese.com.

There are many different types of cheeses, and many different areas that produce great cheeses, but even though the internet is chock full of information, it really doesn’t answer the all important question about cheeses, namely, “What cow is needed to produce which cheese?”

I'm not sure simple plain ol' black and white cows would give anything but plain ol' yellow cheese. But, what if we want to produce a nice Brie? Or a Muenster? Is there such a thing as a Brie Cow? Can we get cows sent over from Muenster, where ever the heck that is? I understand Brie is made in France - do the French even have cows? And do we have to have Swiss cows to get Swiss cheese, or do we just have to have cows raised in any ol’ mountainous area? And would that automatically disqualify Oklahomans from making Swiss cheese? Do you have to do anything special to the cows to give cheese with holes in it?

So many questions. This farmage thing is harder than it looks.

The internet has information about vegetarian cheeses. Now, I know that cheese is made from milk, and milk comes from animals, like a cow. So, does this mean that a vegetarian cheese must come from a cow that is strictly a vegetarian? I thought all cows were vegetarian. Or does it have to come from cows that aren't made of beef? Does this further mean that if I want to produce non-vegetarian cheeses I have to feed some sort of meat to my cows? And if so, how do they want their steak grilled? No, that's ridiculous - that would make my cows cannibals - so maybe cows eat chicken (?) Bar-b-qued?

The more I read, the more questions that come to mind.

I read it on the internet, so it must be true – there are vegetarian cheeses - which implies there are non-vegetarian cheeses. I mean, if a cow eats grass, doesn’t that mean that the cow is a vegetarian, and by extension doesn’t that mean that any cheese you make from the milk automatically qualifies as a vegetarian product? I guess it's kind of like being “kosher”, where you have to have a rabbi do some sort of religious thing with the food in order to be called "kosher". Maybe PETA has some sort of religious cult preacher guy or gal who has to do some sort of religious thing that somehow turns your cheese into a "vegetarian" version of the non-vegetarian cheese. I knew that PETA was full of fanatics, but I really can’t imagine what kind of religious ceremony they would do over my cheese to make it a vegetarian cheese. Maybe with enough internet research I can learn how to conduct my own vegetarian-conversion process on my own cheese.

I like cheddar cheese, but I don't want to offend anybody, so I better contact PETA before making any cheese. Maybe they would know what kind of cow I need to make a vegetarian style cheddar cheese.

Still on the internet looking at goat cheese.

One of the goat milk cheeses is called "Formaggio di Capra" from Italy. Sounds like the name of some D list movie star. I suppose instead of cows we could switch to goats. But that still wouldn't answer the question about the vegetarian cheese. PETA seems to make an awful lot of noise against beef, but I haven’t heard them say anything against goat meat. Maybe PETA has not designated goats as real animals - and that would make sense because I myself never thought a goat was a real animal, more like a big four-footed garden pest.

Hey, if you mix goat milk with cow milk, would the resulting cheese taste gouda? (Just a little joke here)

Still searching the internet:

Now, there's an interesting vegetarian cheese, called "Bishop Kennedy". Since PETA is mostly an atheistic organization, I wonder how they would get around "blessing" a cheese that has "Bishop" in the name? And what's up with the "Kennedy" in the name? Oh, I see from my internet search that Bishop Kennedy was some 15th century bishop at St. Andrews. Is that the St. Andrews in Scotland, the golfer's "mecca"? Did Bishop Kennedy play golf, and if so, how did that affect his cheese making? Did he slice his cheese?

So many questions.

Oh, in that last paragraph, I didn't mean to offend any Muslims out there, but I’m certain there won’t be any problems. I used the term "mecca" as a metaphor, kind of like how a cartoon of Mohammed is just a metaphor, and that’s never caused any problems, so it should be OK.

But, I digress.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, vegetarian cheeses. If a cheese is not automatically considered a vegetarian dish, and if Catholics don’t eat meat on Fridays but do eat fish (presumably because it’s not “meat”(?)), and if meat can be declared “kosher” by a Jewish rabbi, and if the PETA religious fanatics declare goats as meatless animals, then there should be nothing to prevent me from declaring my cheese cholesterol free.

I think I got it all figured out:
I can feed my cows fish and that would produce milk worthy of being used to make a vegetarian cheese, and I can sell it by the slice as a kosher cheese to vegetarian Catholic golfers in St. Andrews.

There, I think I got it.

Except now Pam and I have decided not to get any cows – we’re going to get chickens instead.

I reckon now I have to research the internet to find out what really came first, and why, and how to replicate THAT particular process.

So many questions . . . . .